Treadmills
Credit: Jonny Hawkins/Cartoonstock
A brand-new twenty-four-hour gym opened in my neighbourhood last month. Over the road and half a block down from the other twenty-four-hour gym. The location and operating hours of the first gym mustn't have been convenient for a lot of aspiring fitness buffs in my area as this new one has been busy since the day it opened. I know this, not just because of the number of cars in the carpark, but because it is located on the ground floor and there are windows all along it. This means that when I am jogging past, or walking to the train station, I have a perfect rear view of all the people on treadmills.
It's wonderful that people are exercising, but why do so many people feel that in order to go for a stroll or a short run, they need to get in their car, drive to an excessively air-conditioned, excessively lit room where a row of televisions can distract them from the fact that they are moving their legs? One of the televisions was playing what appeared to be a David Attenborough documentary yesterday morning, so I don't think they are vehemently opposed to nature. People just seem to prefer the simulated version, rather than the real thing.
This is sort of understandable. It is much more pleasant to watch Survivor, Alone, or Naked and Afraid than to be on any of those shows. Nature can be a ruthless opponent and would very quickly get the better of most modern humans. That said, I don't see the television producers of any of those programs green lighting a season set in the outer suburbs of one of Australia's capital cities. For one thing, the ubiquity of drive-thrus and pizza joints would make it very difficult to force contestants to subsist on small rodents and native berries. I also imagine that councils would be inundated with complaints if groups of wild-looking, semi-clad youths were seen building campfires on the local footy oval.
For the vast majority of Australians, the form of nature that exists outside their front door is fairly unthreatening. This may be the driest, most isolated, most dangerous continent on Earth, but we only know that because we've all seen Wolf Creek. The closest most of us get to experiencing the harsh Australian wilderness is when someone we know goes on a glamping holiday to Uluru and posts two dozen 'desert at twilight' photos on Facebook. Or whenever there's a huntsman in the bathroom. It would certainly not be essential to prepare a survival pack each time we traverse the front lawn and take a twenty-minute jaunt around the neighbourhood. Considering the interesting assortment of birds, trees and landscape gardening decisions found on every block, it can actually be quite pleasant.
Yet, despite wide footpaths, nice weather and that feel-good feeling people get when surrounded by nature, Australians are opting for treadmills — which means burning unnecessary fossil fuels. Even if the gyms were solar powered, that energy could be going back into the grid and powering something else. Something vital. Like a power-wheelchair, for example. Most power-wheelchair users probably wish that they didn't have to charge their wheelchair and could just take a brisk walk around the neighbourhood instead. They surely wouldn't waste the opportunity to go for a stroll by standing on a piece of revolving rubber where television screens are carefully positioned to give the walker the impression that they are still at home, sitting on the couch.
Why does it require the use of a car, lighting, a television set, an air-conditioner, and a treadmill — and therefore the burning of pointless fossil fuels — to enable people to go for a walk or a little run? Doesn't it take more time, effort and willpower to drive to a health club? Considering the ubiquity of twenty-four-hour gyms, I assume most people live locally and could have jogged to one of them in under fifteen minutes. One lap around the gymnasium carpark and home again would be a full cardio workout, without the need for a gym membership, petrol or the awkward experience of having to spend an hour in a room trying to avoid eye contact with other sweaty, smelly strangers. (If you are also attempting to avoid seeing your sweaty, red-faced self in the wall of mirrors, there's really nowhere to look.)
Maybe I could understand if my neighbourhood was located in Churchill, Canada, where going for a walk would result in severe frostbite or being eaten by a polar bear, but this is Australia. The chances of bear attacks and frostbite anywhere on this continent are fairly slim. The only bear-like animal in this country is too stoned on gum leaves to chase nature-loving bushwalkers, and the activity most likely to cause frostbite is standing in front of the ice cream freezer at the supermarket with the door open too long.
The worst natural hazard that Australian suburban joggers face is an overabundance of sunshine. This might mean popping on a bit of sunscreen and a pair of sunglasses before jogging to the gymnasium carpark and back, but if you live in Australia and have got to the age where you can sign up for a direct debit on a gym membership, you have certainly also mastered the art of applying a layer of zinc.
I also considered safety as an issue and, although I'm not sure that it is the primary reason for people opting for simulation walking instead of the real thing, it would be irresponsible if I didn't address it. Obviously, this is not Kyiv, the Gaza Strip or the United States. Drive-by shootings, trigger-happy neighbours and drone attacks are not generally on the list of probable dangers when Australians head out for a stroll around the park. That said, living in Australia does pose a number of very serious and grave risks for anyone making their way around the suburbs. Three, to be specific.
The first, and most serious danger is a magpie on parenting duties. Fortunately for most joggers, magpies feel much greater animosity toward cyclists and will generally ignore joggers completely, lest they risk being distracted when someone in Lycra goes by. Unfortunately, if a magpie does take a disliking to your running outfit, you will need to find a different route. Magpies do not forget a fashion faux-pas and they will make a point of targeting you whenever you're in their neighbourhood. Not even wearing a helmet while jogging will protect you once you’ve been earmarked by an overzealous magpie father. Especially not when wearing a helmet. Papa Magpie will just assume you're dressing up as a cyclist to provoke him. You will not win that battle. Just change routes.
The second serious danger for footpath users is that, at some point (quite regularly, actually), said footpath will come to an end and a road will need to be crossed. In a quiet suburban neighbourhood, this might not sound like a significant issue except that, when there are few cars around, a great number of Australian drivers completely lose the ability to use an indicator.
It's obviously an exhausting and overwhelming undertaking, all this finicky indicator use, and I can appreciate that people are tired after driving to work, to the shops, and to the twenty-four-hour gym. By the time they get back to their neighbourhood, their fingers will be in need of a little rest from all those arduous ups and downs, so if there is a pesky outdoor walker nearby, well, it will just be up to them to figure out if that over-exerted driver is planning on turning into the street they are about to cross or planning on going straight. The best thing for pedestrians to do is assume that all cars are turning and wait until there are none within a four-block radius before making a mad dash across each road. Think of it as a HIIT workout.*
The third, and most serious, of Australia's suburban natural hazards is that which I like to call the end-of-track danger zone. I am not literally referring to running out of footpath. That issue might present some problems for a brisk walker, but most would agree that having to detour around a thoughtlessly parked SUV is infinitely preferable to finding their walk cut short because they attempted to sprint through an end-of-track danger zone.
This terrifying place can appear at any point and on any type of terrain. Even experienced joggers, who work hard to prepare themselves for it, often don't see it coming.
They're certain they'd worked it out correctly.
They're positive they'd timed it just right.
They are adamant that they checked, right before setting out, how much time was left on that podcast, playlist or audiobook they were mid-way through. They are confident they did this because they specifically remember thinking, 'I'm sure this is a long one. It will definitely play for the whole run.'
They were wrong.
It always happens unexpectedly. You’ve barely had time to register the finale music and, all of a sudden, there is silence. Well, probably not silence. If you live in the suburbs, you'll likely hear some over-enthusiastic magpies discussing defensive parenting strategies, and cars, unburdened by the tyranny of indicators, screeching around corners. What you won't hear are the distracting tones of a jovial podcaster, which means you'll be suddenly aware of the fact that are outside and exercising — and you will wish it to stop.
At that moment, the worst thing you can do is stop as you may never start again, and you are many kilometres from home without an emergency supply of sunscreen. (You're possibly just three blocks away, but it feels a distance of epic proportions.) The only thing to do is to keep moving forward while you simultaneously unlock the phone, navigate through your Spotify playlists, select a new episode of sufficient length to get you chez toi, and press the (now grossly undersized) play button. As it is not possible to do these things while also paying attention to where you're putting your feet, you are forced to enter the end-of-track danger zone. Best of luck.**
One might assume that I've just given three perfectly good reasons why people should always opt for the treadmill when they want to go for a walk. But, let's face it, safety is not the primary reason suburban Australians are choosing treadmills instead of the great outdoors. It probably has more to do with the fact that most people have realised obligatory daily exercise is more bearable if there is a television involved. Also, the weather is generally more predictable inside a gym than out. Most importantly, they give people the right to casually mention that they “went to the gym this morning” to every person in the office, even if all that actually means is they walked slowly on the treadmill for twenty minutes while watching Sunrise and scrolling TikTok.
It doesn't really matter what everyone's good reason is for using a treadmill. 99% of people using them are perfectly capable of walking or jogging outside without one. And they really should do that. Firstly, because all the quiet environmentalists they know are judging them for their selfish and pointless fossil fuel wastage. Secondly, they really should try to reduce some of their selfish and pointless fossil fuel wastage. Lastly, because being outside is actually very nice. It might sometimes be hotter, colder or wetter than people like, but if everyone got into the habit of going for a fifteen-minute walk after work every evening, they'd get used to it.
Most people will find that fifteen minutes outside is actually a lot more pleasant than walking on a treadmill, even if it’s a bit drizzly. If it's done every day, it will only get more pleasant as you’ll figure out where the best routes are, it will get easier as you get fitter, you’ll stop forgetting to take an umbrella, and you'll become an expert at avoiding magpies, rogue turners and the end-of-track danger zone.
Right now, we are living in a country with a good deal of natural beauty, but we shouldn't expect it to stay this way forever. The number of insects, wildlife and plant species have been declining for decades (mostly due to pesticides, deforestation, and the selfish and wasteful use of fossil fuels). Instead of enjoying it before it's gone, people are opting to walk or jog inside in front of the television. (Nb. It doesn’t cancel out the treadmill fossil fuels if your television viewing involves David Attenborough demonstrating the tragic impact global warming is having on the natural world.)
It may seem small, but treadmills are a good example of the little things people do to burn fossil fuels when they really don't need to. We pump unnecessary Co2 into the atmosphere to build gyms, construct and power treadmills, and keep everything temperature controlled, well-lit and idling for twenty-four hours a day, when all we need to do is put on a bit of sunscreen and walk out the front door. If we can't manage to save ourselves from an eco-catastrophe, at least by opting for a stroll around the neighbourhood instead of on a treadmill, we will get to enjoy our local environment before it's gone.
The Quiet EnvironmentalistFURTHER READING
Why an outdoor workout is better for you than indoors - The Washington Post
The great outdoors: how a green exercise environment can benefit all - PMC (nih.gov)
Exercise Is Good for You. The Exercise Industry May Not Be | The New Yorker
Benefits Of Outdoor Exercise | mindbodygreen
*Some people might have read this and felt suddenly inspired to use their afternoon walks to fight truant turners in their local neighbourhood. This is very commendable and if having a cause gets people to use footpaths instead of treadmills, I am very supportive. I just wouldn't recommend the direct-action approach of mouthing the words 'use a fucking indicator' while pointing at the driver's non-existent indicator lights. This is ineffective. Unfortunately, anyone with a laissez-faire attitude to indicating is likely to have forgotten that putting on their left-turn signal makes a light come on outside the car. (It is not just a light on their dashboards and a slightly irritating ticking noise, as they have come to believe.) If they see an agitated stranger mouthing something indiscernible while pointing at the front of their car, they'll assume there's either a half a pigeon stuck in the grill or one of their headlights is out. Instead of an embarrassed 'Sorry!' wave, you'll end up getting a grateful 'Cheers mate!' wave, which will not improve your mood.
**I am aware that there is an auto-play option on Spotify, so it is technically possible to finish one episode and move seamlessly onto the next one without touching anything. I am disregarding this option as no sensible person would ever set their podcasts to play that way. One's weekly selection of podcasts must be carefully organised to play in an order that takes into consideration the podcast tone, difficulty, length, theme, language, importance, and entertainment level. The selected order will also be influenced by one's mood, activities, attention span, energy levels, and which voices are the least grating. Spotify, as yet, does not have an option for sorting podcasts according to all of those basic factors, therefore we are forced to select each one manually. (Generally, at the exact moment we happen to be jogging on the mud-laden footpath adjacent to a home construction site.)
Published 06 October 2024
